


Finders keepers

by xsunny



Category: Joyeux Noël | Merry Christmas (2005)
Genre: Crack, Eventual Happy Ending, Gen, M/M, Out of Character, World War I, prisoner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:00:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25375054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xsunny/pseuds/xsunny
Summary: The German side captured fourteen French soldiers, the French side caught their Oberleutnant. It's a simple matter of exchanging the prisoners.Right?
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	Finders keepers

**Author's Note:**

> This is a self-indulgent and out of character crack story that hints at noncon/dubcon. If any of those things, plus the treatment of canon/characters/etc, may trigger you or make you feel uncomfortable, please don't read it. 
> 
> That said, UB showed us a picture of a smiling DB in a huge bed in a seedy place, and the first word that came to mind was "cativeiro" (the place where one is held captive). The more I stare at that picture, with all of its disconnected elements, the more I find it funny.

"Lieutenant! Lieutenant Audebert!"

"What now, Ponchel?"

"We received communication from them." He hands a sealed letter to the French lieutenant, surely the German terms to retrieve their own lieutenant in exchange for the French soldiers they have captured.

"Good, good..." Audebert murmurs while reading the formally written letter.

"That means we are going to get what we asked for, our men for their Oberleutnant?" Ponchel is almost jumping with excitement at the prospect of having his fellow combatants back. Surely soon enough they'll be back to their trenches and-

"Uh, no. Finders keepers." 

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's an English expression. What I mean is, we're not going to accept their offer." Audebert folds the letter and starts to pour more wine for him and some to Ponchel from the odd looking bottle on his desk.

"Why not? I mean- why not, _sir_?" Ponchel gulps the wine and looks expectantly to his boss.

"Because I'm not going to exchange Oberleutnant Horstmayer for our men."

"Why not?" Ponchel asks, not understanding.

"Because I don't want to?"

"... because?"

"It's complicated. I want to keep him, even if General Audebert… Well, let's say he's just too precious."

" _Who's_ too precious?"

"Horstmayer."

"Horst- _who_?" 

"Karl Horstmayer, the German Oberleutnant."

Ponchel looks at his superior officer like he had grown a second head.

"He's polite, he speaks fluent French… He gets easily drunk, easily embarrassed," Audebert's expression goes dreamy. "He blushes beautifully, you know? And..."

Ponchel keeps looking at Audebert, not believing the words he's hearing.

Audebert looks to the infinite, a small smile on his lips. 

Ponchel tries again, "…and?"

"And I like him." 

Ponchel inhales and exhales. "Sir, he's just a man, _one_ boche. That's no excuse not to accept getting fourteen of our men back in exchange for him."

"Well, yes, it is." Audebert asks himself how Ponchel cannot understand something so simple.

"Why?"

"Because I say so. Oh, and don't worry, our men will be retrieved in due time. I’m just postponing their return by a few days. As a matter of fact, I was writing to the Germans to let them know we’ll pay a ransom instead of proceeding with the exchange.”

“But what if they don’t agree and decide to retaliate? What if not doing the exchange endangers our men?”

“I’m sure the Germans are correct people who’ll do them no harm.”

"What if they think you're trying to buy our men back, buy their commanding officer?"

"Well, I am."

“But what if they change their minds and decide to get rid of our men because of that?”

“Nah, they won’t.” Audebert answers while refilling the cup of wine in Ponchel's hand.

“You can’t be sure… How can you not be worrying about them?!”

“Because at this moment I'm more interested in a certain delicious Preussian that-"

"You left tied up in your room."

"Why, yes, Ponchel!" Audebert is happy Ponchel is finally getting it. "You do see he's too precious to be given back to them, don't you, uh?" 

Ponchel shakes his head. "Our men, sir. They are waiting for us, they need to be rescued."

"Oh, Horstmayer is waiting for me, too. The things I'm going to do to him tonight… I can hardly wait!"

"I don't want to even know..." Ponchel mumbles, then adds aloud, "Can I at least try to change your mind, sir?"

"Yes, you can."

"He is German. Ger-man. Bo-che. Enemy, filthy scum that-"

"He's not filthy," the dreamy eyes are back, "On the contrary, he's one of the cleanest persons I've ever met, even his uniform is pristine..." 

Ponchel passes his hand over his face.

"Sir..."

"Did I tell you he's left-handed? Left-handed! A rarity. And he also speaks English, Hebrew… Being with him is like Christmas! Sorry, Hanukkah. He also knows how to shoot with both hands, and..."

It's too much. Ponchel turns around and starts to leave, his infatuated boss still reciting all the qualities, skills and whatever from Oberleutnant Horstmayer. A rescue mission needs to be planned.

**Author's Note:**

> [The photo](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-VjT2I647PAo/XwyjYbR3dqI/AAAAAAAABMA/HQKiCthrHtM91umGtyWZBmRIAK1O00pxwCK8BGAsYHg/s0/2020-07-13.jpg)!


End file.
